show me the light

it had been five months since any outing (with the exception of a couple of medical appointments i only just made it to).  and i could feel my soul withering with every extra day that passed.  i felt that if i didn't escape the house something inside me was going to die...and so i escaped.  and payed for it - bigtime.  but at least i got to see this magical sight, the amazing light thrown by approaching dark stormy skies on a river still as glass.  

'when you perceive that an act done to another is done to yourself, you have understood the great truth.'

— lao tzu

kia kaha christchurch - one year on

wooden ornament in the shape of the iconic stained glass 'rose window' of the cathedral

 

 

 

 

 

 

the real 'rose window' of christchurch cathedral - before the quake

ceramic dish from mudbird's 'emerge' range (with some pieces from my favourite christchurch jeweler, darrell of jakana jewellry)

today marks the one year anniversary of the deadly and devastating christchurch february 22nd earthquake.  my heart is still so much with the people of this beautiful city who continue to endure constant aftershocks (10 000 and counting, i believe) as well as all the layers of uncertainty, grief and trauma.  i have been spending time this morning remembering all that was lost, but also celebrating what remains - including the wonderful creative spirit that has always been so evident.  above are a couple of my favourite handmade things that have come from the dust (literally, in one case - mudbird's 'emerge' range contains liquefaction silt.  ingenious.)

thankyou, thankyou, thankyou to 'that vintage'

a package full of handmade gorgeousness turned up in my mailbox today - a prize won by my friend marzi and very generously donated to lucky moi.  

the giveaway was from a lovely lady named sophie hill, the talented tasmanian behind  'that vintage'.  i'd long admired her work, especially the whimsical and delicate designs.  however i knew the lighter versions wouldn't work with my colouring ... and so i resisted temptation.  then i saw a photo on her facebook page which not only had a  darker pair of earrings with a pattern named 'monarch' (which reminds me of damask) but also a fantastic fabric-wrapped bangle.  the caption:  'you want?'  my answer:  'yes, yes, yes!'

i so wish that i could find a way to share the scent i am breathing in right now as well as the wonderful packaging and presentation.    the fragrance is absolutely divine - as soon as i opened the packets it hit me.   (after a little investigation i think it's actually the huon pine in the middle of the bangle rather than the tasmanian myrtle of the earrings as i had assumed).  a very unexpected added pleasure.

so, a huge thankyou to both sophie and marzi for sharing the love and brightening my day - these beautiful pieces of jewelry will always be extra special because of the way in which they came to be mine.  

belles fleurs - the abstract series

belles fleurs

one of the great pleasures in life:  unexpected floral deliveries from very special friends.  (another pleasure:  photographing the flowers to enjoy long after they have gone).

when you don't feel like celebrating...

there are particular days that are harder to bear than others - special occasions and anniversaries of any kind can bring up a range of emotions with this illness...they seem to be like markers somehow - signs on the road telling you how little distance you have come in a year. with those days can come grief for what you did not have, what is lost to time...the clock ticking and feeling that your life is going nowhere. these are the days where it is so easy to drown in a pit of despair and longing. and this is how i was feeling today, on my birthday. lost to a sea of churning and overwhelming emotions that were threatening to pull me under...

and then i found myself somewhere, somehow, in a place of peace. even through the unbearable physical pain, and isolation and loneliness i feel connected and supported by my friends and family. by people who i know are caring and thinking of me and wishing, just like i am, that this day (and so many others) could be different. maybe it happened in the moment, born of pure exhaustion, when i finally let go of trying to shape things to my desires for how this day would be - or what i felt i 'should' be doing - and accepted it as it is?

and from that place my gratitude and blessings seemed to multiply. suddenly i became aware of how grateful i was to have a quiet house to rest in, to have the sound of rain on the roof at times or an overcast sky to soothe my eyes. to be able to take these hours in the way that my body needs to right now. to have friends and family who understand that while i really want to take their calls (or to see them) i am quite likely not going to be able to - and give me the power to make the right decisions for my body about those things. feeling so blessed to have people in my life showing me in different ways that they are sensitive to how i am feeling about this day.

i was able to focus on the progress i have made in this year; the new expressions of creativity, new connections and friends, new possibilities for treatment. the ways i can, and do, continue to grow and learn in spite of all that is happening physically. there are so many different things that have happened in this year that i treasure and hold so close to my heart. it's a journey...not an easy one, and certainly one noone would chose of their own volition, but one that has its own rewards. and they are plentiful and priceless.

and then a bonus - the best kind of news i could possibly hope for: i discover an article explaining that there are really promising stage 1 trials going on with an antiviral drug for XMRV. that this drug seems far less toxic than many others and much more potent against the retrovirus that may well be responsible for all this suffering. couldn't have asked for a better birthday present than another good dose of hope! that, and the people in my life who love me, they get me through these days and show me the silver lining peeking through.

smiles, glitter and gratitude - with tea

unexpected surprises in brown paper packages really are one of the great pleasures in life. lately i've been sending a few out into the world and getting such a buzz from it that i'd almost decided giving was better than receiving...almost!

and then this morning i'd just boiled the kettle before heading up to check the post, so when i found some treasure i took it out to the verandah with my tea to savour as i opened. inside the beautifully decorated outer wrapping (enough to elicit many smiles in itself and make me hesitate to unwrap it) was the most beautiful little gift from from two beautiful women...

under a whole lot of glitter i found one of miras fabulous artworks - soul medicine every time - and a lovingly handmade beaded string with little origami cranes from the talented alex. with glitter everywhere (including in my tea) i soaked up the feelings of gratitude and appreciation for the thoughtfulness, creativity, colour and beauty in that little box. and decided that receiving really is pretty good too!

thanks so very much alex and mira for making my day, it was a truly special surprise to find on my daily pilgrimage to the mailbox. i feel so touched and blessed and am still smiling to myself.